Greene
by DemonicAngelic
Summary: Like the great Doug Naylor and Rob Grant; some writing partnerships have to end. As more of the former; I'll take over from now on. (she said over-confidently...)(Was 'To Lose, Therefore To Gain') Will undertake a massive clean-up. Please RR.
1. Default Chapter

OK, to explain the situation: I, DemonicAngelic, prior to this story, was JennRD. (previous story - Bexlie) Janine1 and I decided a while back to become joint-authors and create a rather lengthy Red Dwarf related fanfic... It's a She-writes-a-chapter, then I-write-a-chapter kind of chapter layout... starting with Janine.  
  
So... hope you enjoy... thanks for reading!  
  
~*~ Disclaimer: No characters in Red Dwarf belong to either Janine or I, all excepting Jade Greene (arf!) and Jack Konrad, who do, in fact, belong to us - and we'll sue your asses if anyone nicks them.. Only joshin! :-) ~*~  
  
Enjoy this Teen-created, international tale of adventure, love, loss and overly-cute romantic gestures.... or else.  
  
JANINE1:~  
  
"That lonely thought has left my mind as I begin to fall My one last ride that will end it all"  
  
A solitary tear followed gently as the near ink-less pen was placed tentatively on the cold desk.  
  
Jade silently sat in her small sleeping quarters. New tears stinging the fresh gash just below hey left eye. It was the second time this month he had done something to her. There was no one to stop him. He could kill her if he wanted to. There were plenty of ways to do it, aboard this little shuttle. Who could possibly help them? Who would even want to?  
  
She signed and remembered how she and Jack had met. He had been a researcher for new equipment, visiting her ship temporarily. She was assigned to show him and his team of researchers around. That night he had invited her into his temporary quarters. He was older than her; by about five years. He was Tall, and had attractive dark hair. At the time he had a goatee on the chin of his slender face (which he had not had since) She had been under his spell. He was only going to be on the ship a few months, but they decided to date. Jade was young and sophisticated looking. She was slender, and had long, jet-black hair that graced her shoulders. Her skin was an olive color, but her cheeks had a rosy glow to them. She hadn't thought of herself as all that attractive, and was surprised at the time when someone had. This surprise allowed her not to question all the things he did, and not to mention anything when he made her go far past her comfort level.  
  
The ship had been attacked.  
  
No one knew who had attacked it or what had happened. Jack and Jade had been making love in Jack's private shuttle at the time, and were able to escape in time, but there were no other survivors. The ship was destroyed. They had been in the small shuttle, no bigger than a small house, for months, with no hope of being rescued. During this period of time, Jack decided to put both of them into stasis, so that they didn't have to wait around to be rescued, and waste their resources. He had set it to turn off when the computer detected another ship's signal, but no one ever came. No one came for 3 million years. They were finally let out, 3 million years later, when the ship's computer could no longer sustain them.  
  
Jade often spent her days alone in her quarters. All she could do was read and re-read her book collection. All her books were on a small CD that she kept with her. She read them by projecting them on a special screen. This technology had been developed by her boyfriend, and his former team of researchers. He had been happy that she used it so much. Other than read she would write. Endless diary entries, poems, manuscripts, plays, whatever her mind produced. All also kept on similar discs. It was all she could do to keep herself entertained.  
  
Jack would normally keep himself secluded in his quarters, as well. Except he was far less productive. The only thing that kept him through the day was his nearly endless supply of alcohol and Cigarettes. When they first met, he didn't drink much, and only smoked 1 or 2 a day, but now it seemed to be all he did. It was probably responsible for his random acts of violence towards Jade.  
  
The door suddenly burst open. Jade looked up at Jack. He was a mess. He hadn't gotten out of his pajamas, and hadn't shaved in weeks. Jade could smell the alcohol in his breath and was afraid he would hit her again. Instead he just stood there, covering his eyes from the overhead light. "We pickin' up another signal... you take care of it." he slurred, then ungracefully walked out of the room. Jade, in a confused manner, got up from her bed, wiped her tears, and walked towards the main console. They were, indeed, picking up a signal from another ship.  
  
A certain "Red Dwarf." 


	2. Leakages, Miss Greene?

)( And now, it's my turn...  
  
DEMONICANGELIC...)(  
  
***  
  
Jack sat slumped in the corner of the cockpit drunkenly swaying, and muttering unmentionables under his alcohol and smoking-induced wheezing.  
  
"Whaaat iss it, baaaby..?" he slurred in an inappropriately sex-driven way.  
  
She could feel his glares cut through her. He always made her feel uncomfortable when he'd been drinking, mostly because all he wanted was sex, undiluted - and sometimes forceful - sex.  
  
She inhaled deeply and sighed as she called out the co-ordinates of the nearby ship. "Grid Co-ordinates 306.9 through 307. - Jupiter Mining Vessel Red Dwarf, Crew four, one Human, one Felis-Sapiens, one android, and one hologram. Supplies, near nil. Weaponry: nil. Jack, will I make contact? They seem to be no threat."  
  
He sat in his silence, his lustful stares continued to slice up whatever was left of her heart. "Open contact lines, Computer. Let's see what we've got here...."  
  
"Lines opening, contact made." An 'H' appeared on the screen, followed by a forehead, followed closely by the remaining features of a coily-headed man. He grinned pleasantly. She took this as the hologram.  
  
"We see your ship has more than the required supplies of weaponry, food, water, et cetera. Ours, on the other hand... is low on everything. And I mean everything. Permission to board? Oh, where are my manners! I'm sorry ma'am, Captain Arnold J. Rimmer. 'J' for Jonathan..." He bowed his head in false respect.  
  
"Captain," She began, glancing frequently at the alcoholic mountainous slump in the corner. He had fallen asleep and was snoring, wheezing and whistling loudly. She sighed with relief. Now she had a tiny bit of freedom. "I don't think you boarding here would be best. Permission for me to board your vessel?"  
  
Captain Rimmer nodded authoritatively. He paused. "Sorry, you must state your crew situation before clearance can be granted." He paused again attentively. "Please?"  
  
Jade glanced at the darkened corner, to the groaning silhouette, to the stubbled, blotchy wreck. The wreck of the man she once loved, the wreck that was continuously being eaten away by parasites of alcohol, nicotine, slobbiness and disgusting, blatant smarminess. Her love for him had been devoured by those parasites more than a few years ago. They had been floating aimlessly out in the god-foresaken, mechanical pupae for too long.  
  
"Well...?"  
  
"Tw.... One. Just one. Definitely one. No-one else. Just one. Female. Unattached. Without uncertainty, one."  
  
Jack shuffled, mumbled and groaned in his drunken slumber. She froze instantaneously, her teeth cutting into her chapped lips. What if they'd heard him?  
  
"Erm...what was that?" Rimmer enquired, attempting to eye the cockpit behind her. She made damn sure he couldn't, being as inconspicuous as humanely possible, whilst bobbing her head to block his line of sight. It was then her stream of thought broke its banks, and an idea flooded into Jade's mind. She glared into the corner as she spoke;  
  
"Oh Captain, it appears my ship...." She began pressing random buttons, pretending to look at screens, flick switches, and generally look around the room in 'worry'. "...has a fault in fuel and power....leakages."  
  
Rimmer saw no point in leaving her like this, abandoned on a faulty, dated ship. After all... she was alone. And Red Dwarf had a vacancy for a female crew member... hell, they had quite a lot of female vacancies, in fact. Especially after that unfortunate accident three-million years ago...  
  
"Clearance granted. Come Aboard..." 


	3. From the Frying Pan into Another

JANINE1  
  
***  
  
Jade nervously tilted her head, observing the large gray landing bay which appeared to be empty. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her gray cargo pants and began to pace across the cement. She could soon hear voices from across the distance. Soon, the Hologram she had previously seen, followed by the human and the droid came to greet her. The Human thrust forward his hand for her to shake.  
  
"Hi, I'm Dave Lister." he had a chirpy smile on his face. Jade nervously shook it, forcing a half smile that made her gash hurt. When she tried to pull out of the hand shake, he wouldn't let go. Jade followed his field of vision to her arm, covered in a series of bruises. She instantly pulled down the sleeve of her shirt with her other hand. Lister took this as a hint, to let go.  
  
"I'm Jade Greene." She introduced.  
  
"Why don't we give Ms. Greene a tour of the ship?" Rimmer suggested. Jade nodded and followed after them.  
  
The door of the small transport pod opened abruptly, and out staggered Jack into the landing bay. He looked around, squinting from the glare of the overhead lights. It was hard for him to comprehend what was going on, because he had already had 3 beers today for breakfast. Without too much thought, he began to hobble off down a random corridor.  
  
"Excuse me sirs... and ma'am." Interrupted Kryten.  
  
"What is it, Krytes?" asked Lister, while leading Jade through another gray corridor, identical to all the others.  
  
"My scans seem to detect another life form aboard the ship." he said, with a hint of panic in his voice.  
  
"Another life form? Are we sure it isn't just one of Lister's socks?" Asked Rimmer.  
  
"Well, it seems to be coming from the general direction of the landing bay we just came from." Said Kryten.  
  
Jade took a deep breath. He had been a drunken mess when she had last left him, she had expected him to pass out somewhere on the their pod before figuring out where they were. Apparently that hadn't happened. No one else bothered to question Jade about the mysterious life form, and took off towards the landing bay. Jade quickly followed after them so she didn't get lost in this huge maze of a ship.  
  
When Jade finally caught up with them, they were all huddled in a corner. Jade quickly made her way through, and saw Jack, laying helplessly on the ground in a drunken mess. They all stared at her, waiting for an explanation. "Jade, I thought you said you were alone?" Said Lister.  
  
"Well... I did say that..."  
  
"Who is this guy?" Asked Rimmer. Lister checked his watch. "It's only nine am and it this guy is already passed out..."  
  
"It's ten" Corrected Rimmer.  
  
"His name is Jack." She responded. On cue, Jack's eyes flickered open to expose his glazed, deep blue irises. He began to squint and lift his arm to sheild his eyes. He was always light sensitive when he had a hangover, and since he drank everyday, he always had a hangover. 


	4. Buffing The Floor With 'Uber Shine'

DEMONICANGELIC  
  
***  
  
"You alright mate?" Lister twanged questioningly, with one eye still glancing disappointedly in Jade's general direction. Had she forgotten about this Jack-guy? What was going on?  
  
"Bleeeeuuurgh...."  
  
Considering there was now a drunken mess on the floor that Lister hadn't, for once, actually created himself, he'd decided now might not be the best time to ask any particular questions. Kryten disappeared and reappeared within seconds, toting bucket, mop and sponge, among a great number of other assorted cleaning implements. As the others looked on, cringing, he mercilessly began scraping, scrubbing and wiping away Jack's previous meal from the deck.  
  
Jade had desperately tried to avert her eyes from Lister and the Cat's glares, and Rimmer's demeanour of complete disgust for most of the theatrical disaster. But, however, she knew fine well the stares were there, and that her, what seemed at the time, 'ingenious' plan to finally rid herself of the moronic fungus of a man hadn't worked... at all. She finally gathered her nerves and looked them square in the eyes. Their folded arms and simultaneous glances at Jack sprawled on the cold floor took any need of question away.  
  
She meekly pressed her thick-rimmed glasses further up her nose, and twisted her limp, dry, dark hair around her shaking fingers.  
  
She needed a way out. And fast.  
  
Jade cautiously shuffled in Jacks direction, kneeled slowly down beside him, and lifted his ID badge from his shirt.  
  
"Definitely a 'Jack'. A Jack Konrad. Senior Researcher aboard-" She paused in yet another false state of shock. "-aboard my vessel?" Another pause. Having gone to Drama College for most of her more youthful days had finally proven useful to her career as First Technician after all, she thought.  
  
Lister whistled approvingly. Senior Researcher? A Senior Researcher who was splayed on the floor right before his very eyes, who was so smegging drunk he had the balance of an alcoholic new-born giraffe on National 'Get-So- Pissed-The-Booze-Squirts-From-Every-Orifice' Day? Brutal!  
  
The floor sparkled and shone like a well-polished coin, a coin that had been scraped, sterilised, scrubbed, spit-polished, dipped in 'Uber-Shine' and buffed for twenty minutes. Eventually, Kryten proudly reared to his feet.  
  
None of this visitor's story so far had made any kind of minute sense to him. "Surely, you would have known him, ma'am? Surely, as far as I can tell from your own ID badge, being First Technician, you would have undoubtedly come across this character at least a couple of times in work? It just doesn't make any sort of sense, Ms Greene!" Rimmer, Lister, Cat and indeed Jack himself (who had finally come round enough to acquire some kind of focus) nodded accordingly.  
  
"Keep digging..." Rimmer sighed, as he shook his head in a slighted embarrassment for the woman. His smarmy lips coiled meagrely at one end in an unforgiving smirk. "You'll probably dig so deep you'll find a way out of this one eventually, Madamarooni!" He rocked proudly on his heels, to and fro. She reverted back to gazing depressively at the 'spit-shine' deck, where she now had a perfect reflection staring right back up at her.  
  
Jack staggered and hiccupped his way to his unsteady feet, grabbed Lister's hand and shook it wildly. "Awright," he slurred in the most posh voice he could muster. "The name, is Jack Konrad. Seeenior Research-earcher aboard a now-derelerelict vesshel. HIC! Vewwy... pleashed to meet your acquaintance. Vewwy naish." His rancid breath came close to chloroforming the crew.  
  
"David Lister. Third Technician aboard, well... here." He told Jack and Jade authoritatively. He gestured around the room, just in case this Jack- guy still had no idea where the hell he had landed. "These guys here are my crew-mates. Arnold Rimmer, occupation, Smeghead. Kryten, Series 4000 Mechanoid. The Cat, a cat. And of course, we have our mainframe, Holly, but she's on downtime at the mo'. Welcome to Red Dwarf."  
  
Jack grinned inanely. An idea had washed over him, despite the fact he was almost completely out of his face. Lister seemed his kinda guy. He donned a leather jacket, jeans and long hair akin to his own. What's more, he was a third technician, and had a curry stain the size and shape of the map of the Isle of Mann spattered across his T-shirt. This guy was definitely 'his kinda guy'.  
  
Why spend another lifetime stuck with a frigid, stuck up, morbidly boring, melodramatic perfectionist, when he could easily cadge a ride with guys he could get drink, eat and generally be merry with?  
  
All he had to do was ditch the bird. 


	5. Copacabana Conversations

JANINE1  
  
***  
  
Lister lounged comfortably in the Copacabana Hawaiian cocktail bar. Normally when he was in here he was alone, or with Kryten or Rimmer, and the ceiling fan would bother him. Not because of the inane buzzing, but only because it reminded him he was here alone. That this place was no longer brimming with the fake Hawaiian drunken excitement it was when the crew was alive. Today he could hardly hear that ceiling fan. He sat, finishing his second can of lager, across the table from Jack. Rimmer sat uncomfortably at the other end of the table, twiddling the straw of his whiskey. He was hard light, so he could drink with the rest of them, and that used to excite him, but it didn't seem to nearly as much.  
  
"So, Jade... She sure is something." Said Lister, with an unnecessary laugh.  
  
"I spose'." mumbled Jack.  
  
"So how is it that you were the only two members on that vessel, yet you never met each other?" Asked Lister. Jack looked up from his lager to Lister, exposing his bloodshot eyes.  
  
"You really believe her bullshit?" he exclaimed in a low mumble. Rimmer and Lister stared at him in confusion. "She don't want to know me. Thinks she is so much better than me. I did her a favor. She was way below my class." He mumbled, rather clearly for the amount of alcohol in his blood.  
  
"What?" Asked Lister. "Never mind." he said, focusing his attention back on his lager, but he no longer felt like drinking.  
  
"She's really pretty. I wonder how she is in bed." Said Lister, to no one in particular.  
  
"She's Okay." he said.  
  
"You slept with her?" Asked Rimmer.  
  
"Oh yeah. She's always dying to sleep with me. Me being the young attractive researcher and everything. I just wish she wasn't so clingy."  
  
Rimmer was confused at how he could be calling her clingy, when previously she had pretended to not even know him. Something wasn't adding up here. Even though he felt he had no chance with her at all, he felt discouraged by the news he heard. Apparently this guy already had her. If she were into guys like him, the type with careers like his, why would she ever be interested in him? She seemed like a nice girl, but obviously she wanted something he wouldn't be able to give her. Rimmer silently excused himself from the table, not noticed by either of them. As he walked towards his quarters, he passed by Jade, carrying a large duffle bag. Apperently she was moving her belongings onto the ship.  
  
"Need any help with those?" he asked her. She stood hesitantly.  
  
"I thought you were a hologram..." She said shyly, so as not to offend him. He smiled in a cocky manner, and reached out a hand for her bag. She was surprised when it didn't fall right through. "I've chosen a sleeping quarters... I hope you don't mind." She said.  
  
"So you plan to stay?"  
  
"That is... if I'm welcome."  
  
"Of course you are!" He said, over-enthusiastically.  
  
"Thanks. I'm really glad to get off that Pod all alone." "But what about that bloke, Jack?" Rimmer asked. Apparently Rimmer had caught on to her lie. "Right...him... we didn't spend all that much time together."  
  
'Only the time in bed' Rimmer thought silently to himself. "Can I help you with anything else?" he offered.  
  
"Only these." She said, motioning towards an enormous collection of miniature discs. Discs that contained her endless collection of books and writing.  
  
A tiny label on one of the many discs shone up at him. 'Poetry'. He slipped it into his pocket. Rimmer smiled to himself. 


	6. Ramblings Of Headaches and Hard Light

DEMONICANGELIC  
  
***  
  
An inane Aria of bleeps and bloops swam annoyingly around the medi bay.  
  
Lister had really begun to like this new Jack-guy. Spending the evening before slumped in the Copacabana slurping Lager and gorging on fries, vindaloo sauce and custard, with the little sugary wafers both Jack and Lister liked so much, throwing endless insults at a Rimmer who wasn't there, was fun. More than fun. Hell, it was fan-smeggin'-tastic. After all, simply throwing insults with just the Cat had completely lost all it's novelty.  
  
"...and another thing-" Jack would ramble, "those smeggin' holo-smeggin'- grams think they smeggin' own the smeggin' place... don't they Listy? Eh?"  
  
Lister would comply with ramblings of secrets he had concerning Rimmer. The Nocturnal Boxing Gloves. The examination-failures. And worst of all, in his drunken demure, he let slip about Rimmer's sex-life. Jack found this hilarious. He found it so hilarious, he found himself on the floor.... again.  
  
There had been many 'Jackson Pollock's' going around that previous night.  
  
Both Lister and Jack had awoken, wrists bound by bloodflow-blocking pulsometers to the medi-bay beds. Kryten stood over them, yeilding a tray of freshly-browned toast and orange juice.  
  
"Your breakfasts, sirs." He announced. His eyes darted nervously around the room.  
  
There was a groan from a pathetically hungover Jack. Kryten simply prod the tray onto Jack's unstable beer-belly, and walked defiantly off, but not before unhooking Lister and cocking his head towards the door in a 'follow me so I can talk to you in private' manner. Lister reluctantly whimpered and creaked up from the sheets.  
  
"He he! And perhaps you can find out what's eating him while yer' away Dave!" Jack whispered after his new drinking-buddy.  
  
Lister meandered after Kryten, who inadvertently stopped dead in front of him, sending Lister's already swirling head into a near spasmodic 'drum- solo' migraine as it thwacked against Kryten's back.. He whimpered again, clasping his head.  
  
"Sorry, Sir.... but I'm afraid there's something you should know about Mr Konrad."  
  
Lister became concerned, and attempted to ignore the brain rattling around like a ball bearing in his head. "What is it?"  
  
"Well... I performed a medical whilst he was asleep, you know, routine checks -"  
  
"And?"  
  
"Well, during the routine checks I fortuitously stumbled across a personality trait about his person...."  
  
"AND?" Lister was quickly becoming exasperated with Kryten's constant beating about the bush. He had to fix that some time. Some other time, when his body wasn't fighting a losing battle against a night of booze and custard.  
  
"Well...he's a 'Holophobe'. The Psi-scan picked it up. He hates anyone who has the chance to live past death... you see, his Father had been denied the chance to come back, in favour of someone else. I'm afraid, he may have a problem with Mr Rimmer sir."  
  
Lister guffawed, and sighed with a giggle.  
  
"I know, it's an awful concept sir," Kryten snuffed as he bowed his head.  
  
"Awful? How is it anything different from anyone who's ever known Rimmer, ever? He's a complete smegpot anyway! Hologram or not, everyone hates him!" Lister shrugged, sighed heavily and made his way back to his bed in the medi-bay.  
  
He may have a problem with the scum-of-the-universe? No shit.  
  
Ignoring Lister's reassurances, Kryten stubbornly collated a few questions on a few sheets of paper for Jack to fill in.  
  
"Ooof!!"  
  
A full, mountainous ream of paper thud itself mercilessly onto Jack's increasingly unsteady bowels.  
  
Followed, in comparison, by a rather sad-looking pen.  
  
"Fill this in, Mister Konrad sir... If you wouldn't mind...."  
  
Kryten hobbled from the Medi-bay, muttering under his mechanoid breath.  
  
Jack's wobbling eyes struggled to grasp a decent focus.  
  
"Question one. What is your name?" His lungs emptied every last breath from his body.  
  
"Question Two. Please fill in, where appropriate, any mental diseases you may have contracted through certain experiences in previous times in life; i.e. Family-related complexes with Holograms"  
  
Kryten wasn't always one for being totally subtle, ALL the time...  
  
Of course, Jack was obliged to fill each and every question of each and every one of the hundred pages he had been subjected to. And so he did, thinking nothing of it... 


	7. Poetic Licence

JANINE1  
  
***  
  
Although Jack and Lister had used the past 24 hours to insult Rimmer as much as possible, he had not been there to hear any of it. He had spent a short while the evening before helping Jade move her large collection of discs into her new quarters, then left her alone as she had wished. He smiled as he walked off, her poetry disc safely concealed in his pocket.  
  
He felt an odd excitement as he walked back to his quarters, quicker and more conspicuously than usual. By the time he reached his hall he was nearly jogging, just so he could get in his quarters. He wondered what would be on the disc. Something personal of hers? He shut and locked the doors of his quarters, and placed the disc in the vid screen.  
  
On the screen came a large selection of titles to select from. All with very creative, poetic sounding names. "Slowly losing it", "A place in my head", "My innocence lost" Rimmer noticed all the titles seemed to be mildly depressing. He selected a few and skimmed them, without actually reading them. Not being very familiar with literature himself, he had trouble understanding the metaphors.  
  
Then one of the titles caught his eye, worrying him, particularly. "My Suicide". Rimmer selected the poem and began to read it, carefully reviewing every single line, trying to figure out what it all meant.  
  
"The next door I open will let the secrets out So I stand in limbo waiting for a sign I need a conclusion to this life I have all I wanted; what I craved All I lost doesn't matter anyways I saw the world with its imperfections I saw enough to realize what I have is nothing I am so weak yet you perceive me as strong Why do you think I'm right I can tell I'm wrong I protected you but still you hate me I came close to loving you but now I turn away Inside I now know that I should be ashamed Through out all my life I never understood your pain But now as I stand here waiting all night I've created chaos, a blight on all your life Now I understand why you used to cry Now I know why I should have died I can see my reflection inside your mind And now I'll leave you standing in limbo all night And now I'll leave you crying because this isn't right A lonely thought that once was so lost Has become lodged in my mind And now I know why countless ones before chose this very path Because it was an answer to a question that they never asked A question that was started by a very lonely thought So now I'll wave to you goodbye And take one last ovation Throw my self into the sky And now destiny has been for filled And fate has now been answered That lonely thought has left my mind as I begin to fall My one last ride that will end it all"  
  
Rimmer didn't know what to make of it. Was she really suicidal? Was she contemplating killing herself? What was going on to make her feel this upset? Rimmer looked at the date on the entry. It was recent. He knew it had something to do with Jack. It had to. 


	8. Bad, Very Bad, Very Very Bad

DEMONICANGELIC  
  
***  
  
A tear threatened to fall from his watery, daresay, disturbed eyes. There was more to this guy, this Jack, he thought. It was then - a further remarkably distressing idea thrashed its way into his confused mind.  
  
He'd left her alone.  
  
She'd asked him to leave her alone.  
  
Conclusion: she was alone, and someone in her state of mind should not be left alone for any amount of time.  
  
He scrambled hurriedly to his trembling feet, on legs that were foreboding buckling under the immense pressure, responsibility and dread he now had rested like two ton-weights on his shoulders. Water collected forming temporary cataracts over his eyes as he ran, his arms flailing in all known directions, attempting to wipe them away.  
  
Her quarters.  
  
Just then, a devastating thought pounded in Rimmer's head. There were ropes and tools in the Quarters. Hell... even Lister's laundry could pose as an aid to suicide.  
  
-- This was bad.  
  
He could see her dorm. The doors were within touching distance. As he arrived, his legs gave up on his marathon running, and he stumbled into the room, gasping.  
  
She wasn't there. She wasn't there. He let out a dejected sob as he spun on his toes and headed full-pelt down the corridors. His mind had decided that the medi-bay would have to be the next best place to look.  
  
There were knives and electrical goods in the medi bay.  
  
-- This was very bad.  
  
The corridors were long and dimly lit. After all, Lister, The Cat, Kryten and Jack had all gone out in Starbug for the evening, and no-one else bar Holly were around.  
  
That was it! Holly could help!  
  
As he bolted, he let out a resounding yelp to summon Holly. Her pixelated features melted onto the floor in front of him.  
  
"What is it Arn?" she cooed sleepily. "Whoa! Man, slow down!"  
  
He halted reluctantly, and breathlessly yelped;  
  
"Holly, I NEED to know where Jade is. Now.... please, please!!!" He was becoming frantic. His instincts couldn't have been more wrong.  
  
"She's heading for Air Lock 5 at the mo'. Why?"  
  
Another sob leapt mercilessly from his lips. The Air locks?  
  
There were Air Locks in the Air Locks. Air-tight Cupboards that can easily throw anyone out into deep, unforgiving space at the flick of a switch, sending them swirling, hurtling towards a certain death...no atmosphere, no body. Any person cast out into the big black would immediately result in an echoing, wet, muffled explosion.  
  
-- This was very... very.... very bad.  
  
"You wanting transported there Arn?" Holly said as coolly as she could do when she had no idea what was going on. But then, she had had lots of practice at that. He replied with a sharp frantic nod.  
  
Light fizzled around his hard-light form like a million fireflies, in a billion different colours. The setting around him dissolved from being the corridor, and took shape as the balconies above the Air Locks.  
  
His eyes darted at every last millimetre of the deck. He heard a distant sob, this time, not one of his own. He found his eyes being dragged into a dark corner, where an Air Lock was being opened with a crescendoing creak.  
  
Without any rational thought, he launched himself over the balcony, and fell to the floor. Refusing to buckle under the pain now stabbing at his ankle, he struggled up to his feet again and threw his body at Air Lock 5's ton-weight door. It slammed shut.  
  
Shimmering, weeping eyes stared haplessly at him from the shadows. Rimmer hung on as much as he could to his balance, and held a shivering hand out to the wailing mess. She placed her freezing hand in his, and stepped cautiously from the darkness, whispering countless 'Sorrys'. Icy wind howled around them. Jade collapsed helplessly into Rimmer's arms, and buried her tear-sodden face into his chest.  
  
For once in his life, Arnold J. Rimmer had found himself weeping words of encouragement to another person. They stood together, shivering in each other's arms, sobbing endlessly in the middle of the unlit, ice-cold Air Lock deck. He stroked her soft, dark hair comfortingly, shed his hard-light jacket and sighed endearingly as he wrapped it gently around her shoulders- of course, the hard-light clothing would never have given her any warmth, but Rimmer still felt naturally obliged to do it anyway.  
  
He lost himself in her arms. As did she in his.  
  
For once in his life, Arnold J. Rimmer had been a hero.  
  
And he hadn't even noticed. 


	9. I Almost Became A Pilot

JANINE1  
  
***  
  
Jade took a deep breath. All that could be heard was the whistling of the wind, which was not dying down. She was still being embraced tightly by Rimmer.  
  
"How did you find me?" She asked him.  
  
"Holly..." He replied, softly.  
  
"But... How did you know I was going to..."  
  
"Well..." Rimmer didn't want to respond. He didn't want her to know he had taken in of her private discs. He soon broke apart from her, and saw her. She put her arms through his jacket that was around her shoulders for warmth. Rimmer stared down at the pocket the contained the disc.  
  
Jade looked down at the ground. "I don't know what I was thinking." She said with a light sob.  
  
Even though Rimmer had spent the last several minutes with his arms around her, he felt like he didn't have the strength to hold her now. Jade shoved her hands into the pocket of the coat to warm them. She did this before Rimmer noticed and had time to protest. Before he knew it she lifted the small disc from the pocket.  
  
"How did this get in here?" She said in a calm voice. Rimmer began to panic.  
  
"I can explain!"  
  
Jade's eyes widened, remembering her most recent poem. The one she had written a few days ago. My Suicide.  
  
"You read that, didn't you?"  
  
"I beg your pardon..." Rimmer said, rather unconvincingly.  
  
"The next door I open will let the secrets out. So I stand in limbo waiting for a sign" She recited the first two lines of her poem.  
  
"I need a conclusion to this life. I have all I wanted; what I craved" Recited Rimmer. He had read the poem several times, and had some of it nearly memorized.  
  
Jade sighed. "they're unrelated, you know."  
  
"What are? What do you mean?" Asked Rimmer.  
  
"The poem... and what just happened. Not everyone who writes a suicide poem wants to throw themselves off a cliff. It's just easier to write about than to actually contemplate."  
  
"Than what was this all about?" He asked, trying to sound supportive, but also slightly angry that he was being contradicted after what he had just been through for her."  
  
"It was...nothing..." She said softly.  
  
"Nothing?!"  
  
"Listen, can we just not talk about it?" She shouted. Rimmer bowed his head, Tears threatened to protrude from his already watery eyes.  
  
"I don't mind if you read my poems, but you didn't have to steal them." She said, while handing him back the disc. He looked at his hand that contained it.  
  
What had just happened? He hadn't received a thank you or anything from her. Hadn't he just saved her life? Maybe she wouldn't have really gone through with it.  
  
"I'm going to sleep." She answered, walking off, forgetting to return his coat.  
  
~ Starbug flew across the vast reaches of space at its top speed, looping and twirling in an uncoordinated manner.  
  
"Watch out, bud!" Shouted the Cat, nearly spilling his lager on himself. Just to spite the Cat, Lister took star bug into another full loop, causing all of its cargo to be scattered across the ceiling, then fall to the floor. Lister let out some drunken manic laughter.  
  
"Mr. Lister, sir. I beg you, please slow down! This will take days to clean up!" shouted Kryten, scurrying to clean up the mess.  
  
"Why Don't you let me fly this thing." Suggested Jack. "I almost became a pilot."  
  
"Almost?" Questioned the Cat.  
  
"Yeah, Mate. Would have passed if I didn't get bloody pissed the night before. I was so hung over I flew the vessel right into a moon. I swear the bloody thing wasn't there a minute ago!"  
  
"How can a moon just suddenly appear?" Asked Lister. With a laugh.  
  
"Listen, I've gotten much better since then." Said Jack, before violently pushing Lister off the seat and grabbing at the wheel, powering Starbug at full speed into the nearest moon. 


	10. Not ONE sorry on the ship!

DEMONICANGELIC  
  
***  
  
Back on the Small Rouge One, and with only Holly to act as company for the now fallen-out Jade and Rimmer, Life had become, well...  
  
"Life is smeg. A great big pile of smeggy smeg with lots of smeg sprinkled on for a smeggy garnish, a side dish of smeg and a glass of chilled- smegarooni!!"  
  
Rimmer had spent the following day pacing up and down the ship, muttering unmentionables. The thought of now only having Holly for company, now of course, 'Little Madam' (as he had christened her since the incident) had ceased speaking to him, had lost it's boringness, and had progressed steeply to 'so boring you could literally take a boredom-enduced epileptic fit and froth at the mouth at any given time' boring.  
  
What's more, Rimmer felt really bad for what he had done to Jade. He felt guilty.  
  
Guilty?  
  
He'd never felt guilt before. What was wrong with him? He paced for hours and hours on end, pondering that very thing.  
  
He had remembered once, Kryten explaining what guilt actually was.  
  
"Usually a feeling based on the solitary fact that one has been a complete bastard to a fellow homo-sapian. There can be only one of two cures for this obscure feeling of regret and dejection - "  
  
and then...blank. Just blank.  
  
He continued to ponder a little more strenuously... what he had remembered about Kryten's explanation had done absolutely nothing to ease the situation. He couldn't remember the smegging conclusion.  
  
He continued to pace and mutter, the veins in his forehead pulsing loudly in tie to his pacing as he thought.  
  
The dodgy, creaking cogs in his mind were suddenly oiled by inspiration.  
  
And then it hit him - smack hard in the crotch, with a massive, rusty, spiky, iron-welding hammer.  
  
'A-P-O-L-O-G-I-S-E'! That was that word he was looking for! He didn't know exactly what that strange word meant, but he knew it had something to do with chocolates, flowers and...  
  
...what was that other word? Another one he couldn't put his finger on.  
  
"S-O-R-R-Y!!!" He grinned so hard his jaw creaked and his teeth ground as he rocked to and fro on his heels and toes.  
  
He set off to find some chocolate, some flowers and that funny thing called a 'sorry'.  
  
Surely there would be some of them SOMEWHERE on the ship?  
  
The best thing he could come up with was an insignificant, pathetic- looking, single Memosian Dandelion Kryten had been storing in the medical supplies cupboard in case of another food-shortage.  
  
Better than Lister's rather sad gift of 'Flour's' once to Kochanski, granted, but still, as Rimmer concluded eventually -  
  
"It will just have to do."  
  
~ Jade lay motionlessly on the top bunk of her quarters, staring at the blank ceiling above her. No matter how hard she tried, she just could not hallucanate. Even Lister's laundry hadn't sufficed.  
  
"I think the boredom has got to me," she ultimately decided vocally to Holly, whom was also becoming increasingly fed up with having no one else around.  
  
"Maybe you should start an argument with him?" Holly was never any good at trying to keep herself amused. She had already spent the past night and day trying to console Jade's grief, cataloguing a complete comprehensive alphabetized guide to everything in the universe, rerouting all of her own circuitry, rearranging and rereading all the books and discs in her databanks, and giving Bob the Skutter a whole new lick of metallic paint.  
  
She even gave him go-faster stripes.  
  
Holly sat motionless.  
  
Jade lay motionless.  
  
And then... there was a knock at the door.  
  
Gingerly, the door handle turned, and Rimmer tiptoed in. Jade sat up immediately and hauled herself from the bunk to face him, and despite her utter boredom, the disappointment and the anger still lay at the surface of her mind.  
  
"... yes?" she demanded nippily.  
  
His solemn face, followed by his coily head fell to meet the floor. Jade took a maddened sigh and grabbed his chin sharply, thrusting his head (with a force so strong he received an equally sharp twinge in his neck) upwards to meet her agitated gaze.  
  
A perturbed squeak escaped from Rimmer. He took a few seconds to regain his nerves, and soften the glue-like stare she was inflicting on him, by creaking his weary lips into what might just have passed for a smile - if smiles looked like the expression of a curry-munching rabbit with a bowel complex.  
  
He nervously pulled his Dandelion from behind his back, took a step backwards and held it at arm's length, so as she couldn't reach him to hit him. A smile jabbed at the corners of her mouth.  
  
Now the big one.  
  
"Now," he said, "I couldn't find one anywhere for smeg nor money on this useless ship... so I made one."  
  
He handed her a miniscule note. She giggled quietly in her head as she opened it up to find the word 'S-O-R-R-Y' printed in impeccably neat handwriting on the centre of the page.  
  
"You didn't have to make one," she smirked. "You could just have said it..." A pause. "...If you want..."  
  
Rimmer's brain took a miniature spasm as he realised his undeniably moronic mistake.  
  
He hesitated slightly, but caught onto her expectant gaze. Eye's sparkling.  
  
"I'm.... I'm sorry, Jade. I really truly am. S...sorry." His head bowed again, each of his cheeks glowing a fiery red.  
  
She grinned, walked towards him, and picked his chin up from his chest gently, this time, and smiled from ear to ear.  
  
"I know. And thank you - you know... for last night."  
  
Rimmer blinked. "I know."  
  
A few nanoseconds passed as the pair smiled.  
  
Rimmer blinked again, waking himself immediately from his reverie. His blinks melted into uncomfortable twitches.  
  
"I better... you know, be..." he pointed towards the door. "Better be going."  
  
He nodded.  
  
Rimmer turned on his heels and let himself out.  
  
Holly had found all this particularly entertaining. She hadn't seen a good rom-com in years.  
  
"Smeghead." She proclaimed with a grin.  
  
And Jade nodded. 


	11. Darkening Pain

JANINE1  
  
***  
  
Jade had been surrounded by a lot of simple minded people in her lifetime. Her generation was not exactly one for spawning the thinking type. Her generation was the exactly the contrary. It caused people to conform and compete with standards of left-brained achievement, and success. Power is what everyone craved. No one thought about the world the way she did. Her gift was not appreciated in this world.  
  
She remembered back to when she was first attracted to Jack. He had never truly understood or appreciated her from day one. He was an intelligent person in a lot of aspects. Physics, mathematics, creating things. He was a great researcher. Thinking herself inferior to him, she was intoxicated by his "power" at first. She had been so surprised that he had thought her beautiful. He never recognized what a truly amazing person she was. He had considered her "bright", "funny", "Cute", "good to talk to", and Jade accepted these things, She was happy that he felt these things even though they were only ordinary complements given in any relationship.  
  
It took a long time for Jade to recognize signs of contradiction and patronization in his words. His words degraded her.  
  
Jade felt compelled to prove herself as a person to him. To reveal herself, so she composed a poem for him, titled "The Savoir". After weeks of work on making sure it summed up the perfect emotion, as exactly and perfectly as possible, while using the best literary techniques and styles she could create, it was finally ready to share. She considered it one of the best things she had written at the time, and thought it would be a huge devotion to their love, and bring them closer together.  
  
She could still remember the situation perfectly, They were in her sleeping quarters together, and he had been eager to get her clothes off. She told him he could do so after she read it to him. She recited the poem to him aloud, watching the expression on his face the entire time, which never changed. He had responded by simply saying he didn't understand it. As the weeks followed, he went out of his way to criticize her poem in playful ways.  
  
Calling it silly and amusing.  
  
He from then on, respected her less. He began to talk to her less and make love to her more, each time more forceful than the last. He began to stop caring whether or not she was comfortable.  
  
Instead of realizing what was happening, all Jade could feel was shame for her writing and the only way she could rid herself of the shame was to be his personal whore. By the time they were alone together, it became unimaginable. Once the drinking started, it was truly too much for her. It was almost a relief to her when he hit her. The physical pain seemed to ease her mental pain.  
  
She never did stop writing.  
  
Her writing tone proceeded to become more and more dark. She would write about the longing for death and escape. She would write about her true, unimaginable pain, each word exaggerating. The pain she described in her poetry soon became real. It became so familiar that she almost didn't realize it was there.  
  
Jade's soul had not been looked into by anyone for the longest time, until the previous day. She longed for that again, She hoped with all her heard that Rimmer would read every single thing she ever wrote. That he would become a part of her heart and ease her pain. That he would understand her, or at least appreciate her. 


	12. DrunkDriving

DEMONICANGELIC  
  
***  
  
Starbug continued to hurtle haplessly and uncontrollably towards the multicoloured planetoid, and at the steering wheel, Jack continued to hurtle haplessly and uncontrollably into drunkenness. Lager froth protruded from his wavering lips.  
  
Torturous screeches and grimace-inducing squeals thundered around the hectic cockpit.  
  
"WHAT THE SMEG ARE YOU DOIN'?!"  
  
"YOU'RE GONNA GET US SMEGGIN' KILLED BUDDY!"  
  
"MISTER KONRAD SIR... PLEASE!"  
  
But Lister, The Cat and Kryten's helpless cries went unanswered at every attempt. All but Jack was thrown from wall to wall, against machine and crewmates.  
  
Kryten struggled up to the nearest monitor. "Less than 10 minutes 'til impact. I fear, Mister Lister sir, we may have to - you know...."  
  
Lister grappled with the nearest chair and hauled his bruised body up onto it. "You know what you have to do." He nodded at Kryten, then at the Cat, who was sitting dejectedly on the floor, trying in vain to restore his hair to it's original chauffeured splendour with his now broken comb (which also now had over three-quarters of the teeth missing.)  
  
Kryten made his way sneakily to Starbug's bow... and up the clinking metal stairway, to the on-board medi-lab.  
  
Time passed like rabbits on a dogtrack.  
  
Lister gazed at the monitor in horror.  
  
"Three minutes, thirty-three seconds 'til impact," Lister groaned. Jack span on his cockpit chair with an inane grin, and turned back again to face the moon that now overcame the window in front of him.  
  
Kryten appeared in the cockpit doorway, behind his back toting a freshly chloroformed handkerchief. Gingerly, he tiptoed up behind the swaying Jack.  
  
"NOW!" Lister cawed.  
  
A white cloth bound itself around Jack's face. His eyelids drooped, his brain took all leave of consciousness, and his hand flailed into his pint- glass, sending it soaring through the air, almost in slow motion. The half- pint of liquid went sploshing from the glass, and was met quickly with a wail of;  
  
"My HAIR!!!!"  
  
"Now that 'Hi-Jack' is safely out of it," Lister hurriedly began as he glanced at the now sodden head of the Cat, "How long 'til impact Kryters?"  
  
The Mechanoid's features plummeted into a chasm of disbelief as he stared at the screen.  
  
"F...f...f...five seconds, sir!" A manic mechanoid, a squealing man and a drenched Cat watched on as the moon careered towards the plexiglass.  
  
"Three... Two..." They scrunched up their faces and held out for the worst.  
  
"IMPACT!"  
  
Thick red, blue, green and purple clouds engulfed Starbug, clawing at the ship relentlessly, seeping through the plexiglass screens.  
  
They were in a perpetual multicoloured darkness. Screams, yells and screeching moans hung in the deep air as the ship plundered through the moon.  
  
And then there was silence.  
  
The clouds cleared, and Starbug continued to float comfortably and normally, back in the big black.  
  
Kryten's hand eventually peeped gingerly through a gap in his hands. His eyes were drawn to the unmarked screen on the untouched desk in front of his injury-less frame.  
  
The screen was flashing. 'NO IMPACT DAMAGE'  
  
Kryten looked on in disbelief around the cockpit. Lister still sat, face cupped in his trembling hands on his chair. The Cat was still situated on the floor struggling with his hair. Kryten glanced over to where Jack had been previously slumped.  
  
Jack gazed right back at him - his face had taken on a slightly more conscious demeanor of a gargantuan smirk.  
  
"Mister Konrad Sir?" Kryten stammered.  
  
Lister and the Cat turned to meet Kryten's voice. Lister felt his body all over for any injuries, cuts or even a small bruise. There wasn't one anywhere. (Well, excluding the bruises gained through Lister's impact with Kryten, the Cat, and some walls before the impact with the moon.)  
  
"Owwwhhhh... it's bad... It's real bad buddy... AAAAaaaaarrrrgggg...noooo..."  
  
"CAT! Are you OK?" Lister and Kryten worryingly blurted in unison.  
  
"Oooh...OOOWWWHHH....." Cat continued painfully as he grabbed his head.  
  
"WHAT'S WRONG?!" Lister became frantically worried for his crewmate, and proceeded in clawing the medical box from a nearby cupboard, thrashing it on the floor and rooting around for some bandages and medicine.  
  
"...You gotta brush and some gel in there Bud? Maybe a hairdryer?"  
  
An exasperated sigh ripped from the pits of the rasta-plaited Scouser's lungs.  
  
"What?! Have you SEEN my hair? It's everywhere! I've gone all HAIRY man! I look like the best Germany could come up with for an entry in the Miss World contest!!"  
  
The sigh kept on it's ripping from Lister's lungs. "What happened?"  
  
Jack stood up, fully functional and still fully smirked-up.  
  
"Gas Moon." He laughed. "Had y'all going for a second there, didn't I? Smeg KNOWS what you're hiding in the back of your pants now..."  
  
The realisation swept through the flummoxed crew in a tidal wave of irritation.  
  
"How'd you know?" Lister finally asked.  
  
Jack's reply was soberly honest. "I didn't become a top notch officer for nothing, Kiddo. Just cos I drink doesn't make me a complete moron. But being an officer doesn't stop me from needing a laugh every now and then, you know? Living with that Jade woman... I guess she's kinda made me a bit mal-adjusted, drove me a bit 'funny'. I'm sorry, guys. You know what it's like." He smiled, seeking some smiles in response.  
  
He received them accordingly. Lister stood up from his seat. He could sympathise with Jack. After all, he'd spent more than eight years being stuck in close proximity with Rimmer. And after hearing all of Jack's tales of boredom and sheer fed-uppedness, he figured Jack deserved to be forgiven.  
  
"Right then, turn her round and head her back to the Dwarf." Kryten was obliged to follow Lister's friendly order.  
  
Starbug spun slowly on its bulbous, lime-green backside, and began to meander comfortably back home.  
  
Maybe some people just can't handle having to be around people who could drive you space-crazy? Look what it had done to Jack. Driven from respectable Senior Researcher to drunken bum.  
  
Lister took a look at himself. Rimmer had drove him from being a drunken space bum...to...  
  
...A drunken space bum. Not much change there then.  
  
After all, Lister thought, David Lister is a special kinda guy. The tough Scouser. The enlightened 23rd Century guy. He could handle it. He knew who to hang with, who to talk to, and most importantly... who to trust.  
  
Or did he? 


	13. Toast, Anyone?

JANINE1  
  
***  
  
Jack landed Starbug in the landing bay, being sure to be careful after his previous show. They all staggered drunkenly to their sleeping quarters.  
  
Jade sat at her computer, staring across the bridge in her glasses, typing up a storm about everything that had happened to her so far. She was able to come up with a few poems, but nothing that truly pleased her. She soon gave up, and fell asleep in a heap on her covers - still fully dressed.  
  
Rimmer, also, was unable to sleep. He sat in his quarters, listening to Lister's snores. Lister had just staggered in moments earlier and fallen asleep (on Rimmer's bunk, none the less.) He seemed to be too out of it to truly care, and doubted if he would have been able to fall asleep, anyway.  
  
Rimmer stared at the screen with all of Jade's poems, trying to make sense of them. Trying to figure something about her. It was really hard to interpret any meaning out of them, and he had to try his hardest not to jump to any conclusions whenever he read something depressing. Her poetry was just full of metaphors and symbols that were beyond him. Rimmer skimmed page after page until his eyes went blurry, and he eventually fell asleep in front of the screen. ~  
  
It seemed like no one was able to get up at a regular hour the next day. Only Kryten woke to do the laundry. Even he was a bit shaken up from the previous night, and couldn't iron straight.  
  
Lister finally made his way out of bed around 2 pm, and ordered a beer milkshake, and cornflakes. Jack soon awoke. Kryten offered him a breakfast of stale lager, but he politely refused. Lister found this odd, but didn't question it.  
  
"I'll just have some toast..." he mumbled.  
  
"Oh no..." Mumbled Lister.  
  
With that the mechanical red eyes of the talkie toaster beamed with excitement. "You... want... TOAST?!" If it could release tears without shorting itself out, it would have.  
  
Jack had no idea what he was letting himself in for. 


	14. FSST!, Anyone?

DEMONICANGELIC  
  
***  
  
Pain jabbed and stabbed endlessly at Jack's skull. Although pain made up the most part of his brain's torture, a deep sense of regret also took part in the beating of his frontal lobes.  
  
"A pain-killer, sir?" Kryten offered along with a tray of toast.  
  
"Anymore toast, Mister Konrad, Sir," Talkie brown-tongued, "Just ask, and it'll be there in a flash of a red-hot element! Anything for you, Mister K! You could have as many crumpets...muffins...scones...pittas...bagels...rolls...pancakes..."  
  
Talkie's kiss-arsing towards Jack came to no prevail, and was greeted instead by Lister - along with a swift "THWANG!" from a nearby hammer.  
  
Jack winced at the noise of clanging metal on metal, and the now more horrific stabbing in his head.  
  
Lister grinned in his direction apologetically. "Better to suffer that than listen consistently to that blabberin', moronic, toast-obssessed tin of smeg." He whispered, suprisingly chirpy for being mid-headbang. And with that, he took himself, and his gerbil-faced optimism through the door. Kryten followed suit after placing the tray - including painkillers - on the bedside table. A weak smile from Jack followed them out of the door.  
  
"I have a hangover." Jack's semi-redundant conscience announced.  
  
A gentile 'FSST!' from the battered circuits of the now-decrepit bread- browner was the only reply.  
  
"I've never had a hangover before."  
  
"FSSSST"  
  
"I've never been sober."  
  
And silence. Jack had never had a working conscience since alcohol first passed his lips.  
  
Jack sighed dejectedly and placed the painkillers under his tongue. He picked up a glass, and chilled water sloshed the tablets down his grated throat.  
  
"It's for the best."  
  
He placed the non-alcoholic liquid on the table and lay back in ambivalent waiting for the pills to kick in.  
  
Hours passed; and Kryten's pile of ironing steadily grew. Two new people on the Dwarf - his mouth tipped upwards at both angular sides of his head - equals two more sets of ironing. Two more, smeggy, beautiful piles of creased, dirty clothes he could work his untold magic on.  
  
But, as much as he enjoyed the new crew members arrival - he still, for the mechanical life of him get the hang of ironing those bra things...  
  
And what exactly was the RIGHT time of the month for women?  
  
The Cat was perched up on the top bunk of Kryten's quarters, quite aptly licking his laundry clean himself. Kryten always found this quite irritating... so many suits, handkerchiefs, shoes and hats - and he wasn't allowed to touch any of them, let alone clean them. But, despite how fetching those outfits were and how fun it must be to clean and iron them, Kryten was quite pleased with the immense pile of washing he had acquired from Mister Konrad and Miss Greene.  
  
"What's up Kryters?" Lister chirped as he swept through the door.  
  
Kryten smiled contentedly in reply and gestured towards the mountainous peak of clothing.  
  
"Ahh..." Lister grinned. "So... what d'you think about the new crew? Jack's a good guy. A bit eccentric, hey, but what genius officer guy isn't? He says he's going teetotal from now on - less fun maybe, but if that's what works for him...Oh yeah - and he said he was going down to the medi-bays to carry out some research. He wants you to join him, you know... when you're finished."  
  
Kryten nodded in slighted attentiveness, his eyes firmly fixed on the immense creases in Mister Lister's Hawaiian shirt lying in front of him.  
  
Lister fixed himself a can from the chiller, shook it, burst it open and swigged.  
  
"Haven't really talked to Jade meself, she seems an awright lass... don'tcha think?"  
  
Kryten hadn't either. Come to think of it; neither had the Cat.  
  
And where was Rimmer? They hadn't seen either of the two since they left on their rather harrowing Starbug stint.  
  
And as if on cue, the two missing persons walked in, side-by-side through the slide-door, smiles glowing.  
  
"Hello, Miss Greene Ma'am." Kryten managed to tear himself away from the ironing.  
  
"Hello, Kryten," she beamed. "Lister... Cat"  
  
The Cat put up a hand in response and continued to lick at the collar of his lilac, gold embroidered shirt with the cute tassels.  
  
"Hi there." Lister paused momentarily and turned his stare to Rimmer. "Where've you been?"  
  
"Well..." Rimmer simpered. He went on to explain how, in the past few hours since the Starbuggers' return, He and Jade had spent time talking and generally getting to know each other in her quarters. He beamed affably at Jade as he talked. He continued to regale about how she had the most brilliant mind for such a lowly rank... the least she deserved was Captain.  
  
A warm, pinkish flush swept over Jade's cheeks as he spoke.  
  
Actually, (although there was some truth in his story of getting to know each other,) they had spent the whole time sitting in her quarters together, talking about her work, and going through explanations of every poem and verse she had ever written. But he had neglected to say so; just as she had asked him.  
  
"I...erm...I'm tired. It's getting late. I better be going. I'll see you later, Lister, Kryten, Cat....Rimmer." She smiled shyly at the coily, mousy- haired hologram.  
  
"Can I walk you to your quarters?"  
  
She answered with a quiet but satisfied "No thanks." And proceeded in walking up to him and gently hugging him, pressing her head against his chest, just as they had done at the Airlocks.  
  
"Good... night..." Rimmer mumbled, he gasped silently for air he didn't need, trying not to get himself lost again. She pulled away, gently gazed into his eyes and turned to Lister.  
  
She neglected to put the Cat off his laundry... he seemed so immersed.  
  
Lister held his arms out in expectation. She took his hand, shook it and turned to Kryten, whom bowed his head in a rather formal gesture of "Night Ma'am".  
  
Kryten brought his head back up dutifully and he, Lister and the Cat exchanged perplexed glances.  
  
"Night everyone."  
  
And with that, Jade slowly turned, glided through the door and made her way to her quarters.  
  
"See you tomorrow, Rimmer." She whispered as she sauntered through the corridors.  
  
And, not for the first time since her arrival on Red Dwarf, Jade smiled. 


	15. Withdrawn Despair

JANINE1  
  
***  
  
Jack sat at the table, he sat there long after everyone left to go to bed. His being sober was surprising to him. It was a state of mind he hadn't been in for several months now. His mind seemed to function again. Function without thinking of drinking, smoking or sex...  
  
He wasn't very satisfied with the feeling. All he could think about were negative things. The people he was here with. Jade. Rimmer. Jade especially. He had been alone with her for quite some time. There was actually a point when he had liked her. He had found her cute and charming.  
  
For that point in his career, it wasn't a bad thing to have someone as energetic and cute around. She was almost like a puppy.  
  
He also missed sleeping with her. It had been nearly 5 weeks since they had made love last, and the last time they had, she had hardly been interested, it was only his acts of violence and threatening words that did the convincing. Years of knowledge came flooding back to his brain. The capacity felt like it was multiplying. He had no limits. This pathetic ship. He could conquer it, he could do whatever he wanted to it.  
  
He had an idea.  
  
With that, he hacked into the main frame, and made the area around Jade's quarters non accessible.  
  
Jade's eyes flickered open, and met up with the deep blue irises. She had grown quite familiar with them. She let out a short startled gasp, and instantly rose from her bed.  
  
"What do you want!" She shouted as softly as she could.  
  
The more she looked at him, the more he seemed... different.  
  
"To talk... Something we haven't done in awhile." he said, surprisingly clearly. Jade realized he wasn't drunk.  
  
"You're... you're sober." She said, rather relieved.  
  
"I am..." He said, blatantly. Jade sat up, feeling mildly uncomfortable.  
  
"I was kind of trying to sleep..." She tried to explain.  
  
"Sleep? Now? But there's so much we have to catch up on." He said with a provocative wink. With that Jade began to shiver. Jack began to inch closer to her.  
  
"Holly!!! Rimmmmer!!" She began to shout, but no one could hear her cry. Before she knew it, her clothes were being ripped off with a force stronger than any alcohol. He was raping her, and there was nothing she could do about it.  
  
Jade awoke the next morning to a massive pain in her lower body. She was on her floor, completely naked. Clothes scattered about. Memories of the previous evening flooded back to her, and she instantly began to sob. She felt as if she had been sobbing for decades, because her face was already quite soggy. Finally, Jade dug through her closet and reached for her least revealing pair of jeans, and a thick sweater. She put them on, and buried herself under the covers.  
  
What was she going to tell the others? Who would believe her, anyway? They all believed Jack was great!  
  
He had even been drinking less, and was finally becoming sober. He had upgraded the ship, he had exchanged fashion tips with the Cat, he had insulted Rimmer with Lister. There was nothing these people didn't like about him... Except... Rimmer.  
  
Jade knew she would never be able to tell him what happened. She was not even close to strong enough. 


	16. Dirt, and Thick Woolly Jumpers

DEMONICANGELIC  
  
***  
  
Jade's thick-rimmed lenses lay in glass shards and broken frame pieces in the middle of the floor.  
  
The dark, foreboding silence taunted her as she sat cross-legged on her bunk. Tsunami-sized shivers careered up and down her spine - her lips trembled uncontrollably. Her tear-stained face was pale; emotionless... guilt-ridden.  
  
What had she done? She must have done something to provoke him. She felt dirty.  
  
"This outfit is too revealing," her mind wailed as she stared at her red polo-neck and trousers. "Get something else." And so she stood up in the lightless room and shuffled through all her belongings until she found a thicker jumper and longer, higher, darker trousers. Her mind continued to scream at her...  
  
"DIRTY! YOU ARE DIRTY!"  
  
She simply had to wash it all away...  
  
Despite her wanting to wash his foulness off her - she wouldn't and couldn't bring herself to take her clothes off. She stepped meagerly into the shower cubicle, unraveled her limp dark hair from its ponytail, turned the shower tap and wailed irrepressibly into the oncoming water as it lashed onto her weakened frame.  
  
The sharp, unforgiving blue eyes... the primal rage and evil plastered over his rugged face...  
  
Her thin, tiny knees gave way and she collapsed into the corner of the tiled cubicle. Water continued to pound over the soaking, heavy clothing.  
  
And so, the crying ceased to escape from her trembling, chapped lips...  
  
She fell asleep.  
  
~ The Copacabana Bar was teeming with the clinking of beer-glasses, the fizzing of alcohol and soda... and the guffawing of Lister, The Cat, Jack and Kryten. Rimmer sat, his face tattooed with a fake smile in a state of false-enjoyment. He stared at his cocktail glass of 'Tropical Whizz'.  
  
"The name's pretty apt... wouldn't you say, Kryt?" Rimmer moaned as he half- heartedly stirred at the liquid. "Tastes like someone's taken a whizz in my glass..."  
  
The room spun around Lister and The Cat. Exactly how many 'Tropical Whizzes' they had actually consumed; Rimmer had lost count - his boredom had prevented him from finishing his counting. He always enjoyed counting the number of drinks Lister consumed so as to hark on about it in the morning to come, when Lister had a head like a mammoth's arse and he felt like shit.  
  
"So... Jack..." Lister slurred, now fully whizzed-up. "What'sss the deal... you know," he winked "...with you and Jade?"  
  
Jack had been drinking soda all night and was utterly sober. He grinned provocatively again, and winked in reply; "Well... looks like the old flame's still burning, she was ALL over me last night. She ain't lost any of her moves... I can tell you!" He laughed loudly as Lister, the Cat and Kryten sat in awe of his manliness.  
  
"So you're back together then?"  
  
"We were never apart, mate."  
  
Jack's news had relentlessly ripped a gaping chasm of hopelessness in Rimmer's hologramatic chest. He stood up from the table defiantly.  
  
"Sorry, I... I think I'm going to head to my quarters. I think I've left the iron on... Revision to catch up on, sleep to be had...you know."  
  
He was bid goodnight by a round of "Smeghead!!" and an air attack of corks and mini-umbrellas.  
  
The Cat blinked slowly as his eyes followed Rimmer out through the door. "What's up with toilet-brush head?" Shrugs echoed around the table.  
  
Jack leant back in his Hawaiian hammock-like chair, picked up his coloured soda and smirked.  
  
"I have no idea..." 


	17. No Remorse

JANINE1  
  
***  
  
Jade awoke in a pruney, wet, soggy mess and instantly rose to turn off the water, seeing herself in an enormous puddle of water, because her pant leg had blocked the drain. The water slowly drained out.  
  
Jade's tired eyes looked down at her attire. Her legs were frozen beneath several pairs of jeans and sweats, her feet in thick wet wool socks. She was wearing thick sweatshirts and coats backwards and inside-out because she hadn't been paying enough attention when she was putting them on because her mind was too disoriented.  
  
She felt she needed to remove the clothing before her body became one enormous rash, and she finally began removing the layering, slowly and carefully, as if someone was watching.  
  
Finally she was completely undressed, she sprung for the towel rack, reaching for the biggest towel to wrap herself in. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and nearly burst into tears. She felt like such a whore being in nothing but a towel and rushed for her wardrobe and began piling clothing on again.  
  
A wool sweater, and winter coat, everything she could find to make her look as unattractive as possible.  
  
Finally, she was close to satisfied, and threw herself into bed, but sleep didn't come. What was different about this time?  
  
She had had sex with Jack before.  
  
She even used to enjoy it.  
  
She remembered the times they had together before they had to abandon their ship. He had been really good to her, really passionate. They had snuggled together so many afternoons and he would do nothing but stroke her body and tell her she was beautiful. He had always been so reassuring to her. She had always been nervous about her body, and the way she looked, but Jack had always been the one to make her feel beautiful. He would stroke her stomach and legs and tell her he loved her skin and body, and thought there was nothing wrong with it.  
  
That period of passion didn't last very long before Jack began to get bored of being with Jade, before he lost his temper with her, and the relationship began to get abusive. He began to look at her with nothing but the desire for sex, and no longer see her as anything but a helpless sex machine on legs. It took jade so long to realize something was wrong, that the problem had elevated to astronomical levels before she knew she needed out of the relationship. By that time, it was too late, they were alone together, and Jack and his alcohol could do whatever they wanted to her.  
  
The thought that Jack had been completely sober was the factor that drove her over the top. He had nothing controlling his mind, and he still hurt her in ways unimaginable. The way he looked at her was like thousands of knives stabbing into her trembling flesh...  
  
...And she would never ever forget that. 


	18. Moles With No Eyes

DEMONICANGELIC  
  
***  
  
"Eye Spy... with my little eye...."  
  
Holly tried in vain to find something out of the view-port window that Rimmer might not actually get.  
  
"Something beginning with...."  
  
Rimmer sighed as he stared at the poem Jade had given him under the pink glow of his study lamp.  
  
"S." Holly blinked, proud of herself that she might have actually beaten him already - it was a damn good word this time.  
  
Another sigh ripped mercilessly from Rimmer's grated, hologrammatic throat. "Star. STAR! Just like the first round...second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and smegging eighth...everytime you've opened your stupid big pixelated mouth to play smegging 'I Spy,' it's been smegging 'Star'!!  
  
A sly grin fizzled onto the computer's face. "No, actually...it wasn't 'Star'! It was..."  
  
A pause and two sharp blinks.  
  
"Okay...'Star'..." Another pause. "Look, you've been at that piece of paper for hours. The rest of the guys are downstairs... why'd you come up so early?" Holly crinkled up her nose in slighted confusion.  
  
"No reason. Revision to do, sleep to be had..."  
  
"And where's Jade?"  
  
Rimmer's eyes shot to meet the back of his eyelids and his head collapsed into his bony hands. She was probably with Jack, wasn't she? Probably smegging was. She was with smegging Jack! The smegging smeggy smeg-head, Jack.  
  
"I don't know where Jade is. And quite frankly, you senile, jumped up Filofax, I don't much care."  
  
Holly checked up and down Red Dwarf regardless. Jade wasn't with the boys in the Copacabana.  
  
"When was it you'd seen her last, Arn?"  
  
Holly was beginning to annoy Rimmer now. His head darted to meet her stupid, blonde, stupid face and he glowered. "The last time I saw Jade was the last time I'll ever 'see' Jade again."  
  
Holly's face was now crinklier than a ninety-six year old prune with a sunbed addiction. "But when?"  
  
"About a night and a half ago, why?"  
  
"She hasn't moved from there since then."  
  
"So?" Rimmer thought to himself, surely she had some form of work to catch up on, or, of course, she was with smegging, HIM...  
  
Holly studied Rimmer's reaction quietly. She knew why he was sulking. She knew why he and Jade weren't talking. What she didn't know, of course, was why Jade was refusing to leave her quarters.  
  
And that was something she intended to find out.  
  
~~~  
  
"Three-thousand and one...two...three...four... five...six..."  
  
An icy glaze had begun to form over Jade's eyes. Her crying had stopped, purely on the fact that she had cried all the tears she had to cry. She had eventually resorted to counting the stars out of the view-port window.  
  
A friendly, familiar voice fizzled into earshot. "I spy, with my little eye... something beginning with... 'S'.."  
  
Jade's mouth arched at the corners slightly. Despite her retched depressive mood, she had desperately needed a safe, friendly face around for comfort.  
  
"Star."  
  
"Oh, damn... how'd you get that, eh?" Holly grinned. " Hey Jade, whats goin' down? And what's with the get-up?!"  
  
A thick, woolly jumper to rival a yeti's winter coat was slung over Jade's now gaunt-looking frame.  
  
Jade's porcelain-pale face blushed. She gestured towards the jigsaw-like puzzle of broken shards of glass and frame on the floor beside her.  
  
"Can't see to dress, y'know? Blind as a mole with no eyes, wearing a blindfold in the dark without my glasses on." She tried meagerly to grin, but Holly didn't.  
  
"What happened?" The computer asked solemnly as her eyes took in the mess of the room around her. Bed sheets absent-mindedly dropped on the floor, pillows thrown, mattress edging up the wall, clothes scattered like seeds...  
  
"But I thought you and Jack were, you know, apart? Didn't think you'd still be getting it on like Duracell Bunnies." She grinned, in waiting of a smile in return.  
  
A wave of realisation swept through Holly's motherboard as a dejected Jade crumpled to the floor and wept.  
  
"You are apart."  
  
A nod.  
  
"You weren't doing it together."  
  
A shake.  
  
"He was doing it to you."  
  
Another shattered, breathless sob and nod.  
  
Yet again, a wave of realisation sploshed around Holly's circuitry. "But Arn thinks -"  
  
"I know. I don't want him to think... but, I also don't want him to know."  
  
"What about the others?" Holly suggested. "Kryten might be able to help, after all, after me, he's the closest we have to another functioning woman on board...lacking in a certain department, y'know?"  
  
"A mechanoid can't help me. Aside from turning back time so that I would never have met that monsterous animal, nothing can help this situation."  
  
"But that's what I mean," Holly near-whined. "Kryten has been working in the lab with Jack, and they're just inches away from creating a time-drive device! When they finish, he can send you back to before you even joined the Space Corps. You could take a whole new direction in life... start again. You would never have met the man in you entire new-life! You could be whatever you wanted! You could become a dancer...a pediatrician....a dentist...a janitor...a member of the Czechoslovakian Government! A hippy...a banana saleswoman on the eastern side of Io!! You could meet someone who is actually worth something... and who actually loves you."  
  
"I get the picture, Hol." Jade began to smile- properly. Holly continued to rattle off some more wacky occupations, then started explaining about the time-drive, it's functions and how long it would take for Kryten to finish it off with Jack. Three days, at the most, Kryten had told her just the other day.  
  
"And, you know... you might not even have to go very far into time to find a bit of love..." Holly hinted.  
  
Jade's face brightened slightly, her cheeks began to glow a healthy red. A piece of paper on the quarters' table caught her eye. A copy of her poem. The same poem Rimmer had requested her copy so he could read it "every night as I think of you", he had mumbled.  
  
Sure, they were both slightly tipsy the night he had said that, but she was almost as sure as hell he might have actually meant it.  
  
She was never going to use that Time-drive of Jack and Kryten's to re-start her life back on Earth. She was never 'not going to' join the Space Corps. She was never 'not going to' have landed on The Mining Ship Red Dwarf.  
  
She was never going to have not met Rimmer.  
  
Despite what had unfolded the previous night, Jade smiled broader than she had ever dared smile before.  
  
"Thanks Hol."  
  
Holly crinkled her computer-generated nose and nodded sagely in response.  
  
"We'll have it all sorted soon, don't you worry. But first, I think there may be someone needing a teeny bit of an explanation..."  
  
~~~  
  
A thick, yellow, gluey, unforgiving crust of saliva had formed around Lister's snoring mouth. His snoring eventually woke his aching body up out of his drunken slumber. A groan clawed its way from the bottom of his charred lungs, doggy-paddled through his wilting vocal chords, scraped over his two last taste buds and slurped out past his gungy lips.  
  
His pin-and-needle-ridden hand crept out from under his limp body to wipe the gooey mess from his face.  
  
And so his hand became stuck fast to the super glue-like enzyme concoction he had unwillingly created in the few hours he had had to sleep off his insane consumption of Leopard Lager from the previous night...  
  
Of course, there was that jippy feeling in his stomach and the thumping headache to remind him of that...  
  
"Hangover." he announced to no one in particular. 


End file.
